give me a little time to me, i'll burn this out.

"what you need is to try & let it go, let it go. what you need to find is someone to never let you go"


i aimed to have a good week starting from today but suddenly i'm overwhelmed by so much stuffs. is it just me or am i always over-thinking things that actually are not at all irrelevant in my life.
i'll be honest, i'm not doing anything about it because every time i tried to change myself, i failed? is this God's way of telling me that i shouldn't be someone who i am not. but i do not like myself, so why isn't i'm allowed to change myself? i sometimes feel it's so unfair and very depressed to see how good people are at pulling through their hardships, while i am struggling like mad. this is just so depressing. please , just let me try to change. Ya Allah, i really am not asking for much. I just want to change my life, for the better insyaallah. I really do not want to lose anyone anymore, i really do not want to taste failures and i do not want to feel empty. I want to do something and that i'll be genuinely proud of it. when was the last time am i genuinely proud of myself? i couldn't recall. am i born a failure? or what? it seems like everything i did was just satisfactory, i never have been bright, i don't know how to make my parents proud of me. i just don't.

Ayah, Mama & Ibu;
I am really sorry because you can never be proud of me, i am honestly lost. i have no clear direction of my future and i don't know how i can take care of you when you grew old. i don't know if i can take care of myself. i am confuse. i am dumb, probably among my siblings. they're al bright/ talented. while i, am stuck in the middle of.........i just don't know. i really am so sorry for being no the best daughter. i tried and i am tired of trying for something that doesn't happen all the time.

i really just want to cuddle myself up in a corner and bawl my eyes out. I really am tired of living in pretense  everything isn't going according to my liking and i am not happy. can i be happy for once. i appreciate everyone around me, but sometimes i feel so alone. so empty. i do not mind going to a white room all y myself, living my own life. i want to have a sense of direction. i am not matured enough to handle what is coming for me. i do not even get why people would actually come to me for advices because honestly, right now, i feel sucky. to a point i hate myself every single day. i am trapped in a body and mind that is not mine. let me out. i am suffocated, i don't know how long i can prolong this. i am weak, weak soul. i am scared of the future, what if i am not able to stand on my two feet. i am not independent.  cling on to people, i open up to people i......i am just people's person. i could not phantom the thought of being alone, i hate being alone. what is this that i am tested,i hope my misery will end soon, insyaallah. because i do not think i can maintain and pretend any longer.